The Day I Was Supposed To Die
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For lack of better terminology -- and I used these very words later to describe it -- I had a feeling of impending doom. There was never any question of what the impending doom was: I was going to die -- that day and within the hour. On August 31, 2009, I awoke at approximately 6:00 a.m. to the hour of my death.
“Today is the day I am going to die.” Was it a conscious thought? I do not think so. It was just there. It was all knowing. I knew it like I knew my name, my history, my thoughts. I was going to die. I felt calm and peaceful; I felt total acceptance. I was not in a shock or a panic. I was not in pain. Did I wake up knowing it or did it come to me after I woke up? These are things I do not know, though I have spent plenty of time pondering them since.
The feeling was so strong that I never even felt I had a choice. I accepted my death. It was going to happen -- soon -- though I also knew that I had some time left. Did I have thirty minutes or did I have an hour? Whatever, I knew I had some time, though I'm not sure just how I knew it. I never ever thought to save myself by seeking immediate medical care. The feeling was too strong that it was my time.
Intuition? Premonition? Or Are We Just More In Tune With Our Bodies Than We Know?
One can call it a premonition, intuition or any other word that works for them. For me, the thought of my imminent demise was so powerful, so overwhelming, that words, like intuition or premonition, seem so tame in comparison. Mere words could never adequately describe the feeling. My whole body was in tune with the fact that I was going to die, but there was complete acceptance and no regrets.
I’d like to say that I went calmly to my death. I certainly had every intention of doing so. I remained calm for a long period of time while I sat and reflected this impending doom, this acceptance of my impending death. I felt a bit sad that my grandchildren, who I felt needed me so much, were going to have to grow up without me. Other than that, I didn't feel that it was unfair or that it "wasn't my time." My only stated request to God was not for me, but that I make it upstairs to my sleeping 22 year old daughter. If I prayed, I prayed that she and, or even worse, that my four year old grandson, would not find me dead. What a trauma for a young woman to face. I spent my last thrty or forty minutes worrying about that.
I begged God not to let that happen to my daughter. It was the only thing I really prayed about, though I had enough time that I sat for a while and reflected on my life. Still, other than for my grandchildren, I had no regrets for the loss of my future life at all. Though I did not then or later have a near death experience that I can remember, I felt at one with God. I did not have to pray. God knew my every thought or so it seemed. He gave me the gift of knowing I was going to die, allowed me to accept it and gave me time to ponder it. I was amazed by this and thanked God for allowing it.
Increasing the Odds and Decreasing the Chances
Finally, I knew that my time was drawing near. If I was going to make sure my daughter didn't find me dead, I had to leave the safety of my room and climb the stairs from my basement apartment to the main floor of our home. It was time. I still was not in pain and breathing perfectly fine.
I have asthma. Until last March, though, I had never had a real attack. There was only one. Before I left my rooms, I gathered my asthma supplies -- my nebulizer, albuterol and rescue inhaler. I knew that, in all likelihood, that I might not make it up the stairs. I had not previously considered calling 911, but I considered it then. I still was not thinking of saving my life, but saving my daughter from the trauma. I still felt that I had no choice and no chance for the future.
I had already accepted my death, but I knew that initiating the phone call was going to accelerate the attack. For those who are not familiar with asthma, my asthma, at least, is tied to my emotions. Have you ever been emotional enough to feel “choked up?” That, to me, is similar to what asthma feels like. As you get emotional, the airways constrict and the throat starts to hurt. Though there is much more to it, for those who have never experienced it, it is as close an analogy as I can get, except that, most people, when they are emotional, do not have their airways almost totally close up. As I made the call, I could feel the attack coming on.
Making matters worse, my cell phone is an out of town area code, requiring more answers than I wanted to give, or really, was even capable of giving. Finally, I choked out the address, let them know that I could not breathe, that I was having an asthma attack. At that point, my air intake was going fast. I begged them to hurry and I slammed my phone shut and headed for the stairs. I hoped I could still make it.
I Made It!
Though I would have sworn I passed out just as I opened the door to the living room from the basement, I did not. I actually make it into my daughter’s room and was able to wake her up. I also helped her try to set up my nebulizer machine. I have absolutely no recollection of anything past opening the basement door and yelling my daughter’s name. She also made a 911 call.
In spite of everything to the contrary, the feeling of doom, and the acceptance of my death, I made it! I lived. Unfortunately, I had to be intubated right in my daughter's bedroom. For 48 hours, I was on the ventilator at the hospital fighting for my life before the tube was removed. During that period of time, my family was not sure whether I was going to live or die. They were also unsure whether I was going to have any long term effects from the trauma. Was I going to have brain damage? No one could predict it.
I was in a drug induced coma for the most part, only coming out when the invasiveness of the ventilator overcame the effectiveness of the drugs. Whenever I did wake up, my only thoughts were to get that thing out of my throat, a totally human, and I am sure, universal reaction. I could not talk. Unfortunately, my hands were tied down so I could not get to the tube but I knew I wanted it gone. My face was swollen twice its size and the skin underneath my eyes were blackened. I had large red dots in my eyes from the lack of oxygen. I really almost died. I was a mere seconds from death.
The Gray Cells Are Intact!
They realized that my little gray cells were intact when I was able to trick the nurse into letting me write something with a pen, late on Tuesday night. Fortunately, he also did not know I am left handed, as I needed my right hand untied. As quickly as he untied my hand and gave me the pen, I dropped it and jerked the intubation system out of my throat. It felt like a chicken leg in my throat with the meaty end pointing up. It sure did feel good for it to go.
Of course, I could have done some major damage, but I did not know that. I just knew that whatever was in my throat had to go. Fortunately, due to the supplemental oxygen, I was able to breathe on my own. I do not remember much about what happened afterwards, except hearing my 230 pound, 6 foot tall male nurse saying, “Oh, no, she didn’t!” I did and I do remember feeling immense satisfaction that I did it. I thank God that I still had the brains to do it and of course, would do it again in a heartbeat, even if it killed me. That is how invasive a ventilator is and why a patient on a ventilator has their hands tied.
It all comes down to human nature. Obviously, I can not be held totally responsible for any feelings or actions that I have under the influence of major medication like morphine either (especially under a doctor's care). Please do not judge me if you are reading this. It is one of the reasons that I have waited so long to write since my attack. I am still very much confused by it all.
I Choose Life!
By the way, I am still in the hospital --32 days later -- though it does appear that I shall live after all, in spite of it all. I developed a problem to one of the medications they gave me called Heparin-induced thrombocytopenia which has kept me here all this time. What that means is that while most people have blood platelets of 140,000 (like I did when I came in), my blood platelets went down to 15,000, causing several dangerous scenarios. They are now coming back up and I should be home within a week or so, barring any further problems. I am happy to be back at work on Hubpages and I do hope that a few of you missed me. I know I missed all of you.
I have missed hub pages, my writing and my friends that I have been making, though once or twice I felt good enough to make a comment. Still, I get tired very easily. This is my first attempt at writing since my ordeal, but I have a lot of good material that I am anxious to get working on. Obviously, this one is the hardest one to write as I had already thought I had written my last one. Here is to many more….
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Thanks, Dale. Yes, it was a scary experience, but the difference was that I thought I was supposed to die. Still working on that one, as I can't figure out why I am still here. However, I will tell you one thing...you DON'T want to be intubated. Keep one of those inhalers handy! Thanks for reading it. I appreciate it.
Connie--What a terrifying experience this was to read about--I can only imagine what it was like to actually go through it...and the whole time, thinking you weren't going to live. I am so happy that your intuition wasn't right, though...and that you were taken such good care of so quickly.
Glad to see you back, and on the mend! :)
Thanks, TamCor. Dying was never scary to me, but believe me, from here on out, I will always be afraid of having to be intubated! Thanks for reading it and taking the time to comment.
Connie, thanks for sharing such life changing experience. I am glad that you survived. As a child I had asthma. I had a neal death experience once during my last attack. My spirit hovered above my body as I was being prepared for burial. From that point onwards, I've not had asthma again. I hope that you will be well and back home soon. Now you've got to find out why you were spared. Your purpose here on earth is not yet accomplished, so go forth and do:)
That is funny, Dynamics, as I have spent a lot of time wondering why I was spared. However, one of my goals is educating the world on for-profit colleges (and how they are ripping off the taxpayers of America and the students) and hopefully ultimately changing the system. The minute I could talk again, I started interviewing the students here at the hospital doing clinicals! I've learned a great deal and hope to be able to use some of it in upcoming articles on for-profit colleges. I have been wondering if that is why i was spared. At any rate, if something happens to me, I sure hope someone takes over and makes the changes for these young students. Thank you for your comments and I appreciate you taking the time to read my article.
I really feel for you, dear. I have so enjoyed our conversations on HubPages, even if the last couple didn't go so well. We had a lot of good ones before that! :-)
I, too, am terrified of the intubator. I have seen them in action and can't imagine what that must feel like. Thank God you are recovering. I look forward to seeing your new Hubs when they come out.
It's really great to hear from you again, Connie! It's also good to hear that you are doing much better and regaining your old form. We all missed you too, by the way, and when your time does come (which is not as soon as you think, might I add) you'll be ready and willing! I'm sure you want to see how your daughter turns out, right? Hats off to you, for being strong and persevering through a horrific spell. Thank you so much for sharing this one!
James, thank you. The very first thing I admired about you is your graciousness in your comments even when readers disagreed with you. Though we obviously disagree occasionally, I promise to try to work toward being as gracious as you in that. Thank you, my friend, for even speaking to me right now. One's politics have never affected whether I like or dislike someone, it is their character. I am working on that too :)
Thanks, Dohn. You are right in the fact that, even though I had accepted that it was my time to go, I really would like to stick around for, say, another 20 or 40 years lol. I do have a few more hubs, obviously, that will touch upon these subjects in the near future. Thanks for taking the time to read it. You know I appreciate it.
How scary! Situations like that will change your life though. Glad to hear you are doing better and hope you are back to normal real soon!
Thanks, Jerilee! Believe me, even though I have been whining (LOL), I have also been so aware that every day since then has been a blessing in my life. Almost dying, yet living, has got to be the ultimate in life altering experiences. I just pray that I make my life worthy of my second chance and make the most of each day that God gives me.
Hello My Friend!
For what it is worth, there are 3 things I know for sure. First, time and unforseen occurence befall us all.
Second, the will to live is one of the strongest forces around.
And third, I'm glad you are better and survived it all with your brain cells intact. (LOL)
Of course I know more stuff, but its the 3 things I wanted to share with you.
Welcome back!
Dar
Hello Darlin'! Thanks for the Welcome Back! Also, thank you so much for the wonderful hub you wrote back when I was so sick: http://hubpages.com/hub/Find-a-Friend-Keep-A-Frien It meant a great deal to me, as you know. At some point, I am going to be able to make a comment about it, but I can't do it just yet. All I can do is thank you for being my friend, a wonderful mentor who not only has encouraged me from the first of my writing, but someone I can look up to as a person and want to emulate. You are the best. Thank you.
Take your time sorting it out my dear. As you know it has taken me nearly two years to finally post that poem about my mom. So I understand that feelings can be felt, but expressing them can't be rushed.
How's this for a 3-way emotional tug of the old heart strings. You have written about an experience that caused you to fight harder than you ever knew you could, to spare a daughter who loves you very much. I finally wrote about a mom I lost, whom I loved very much and Amy just blogged about loving her mom who is still alive, giving a loving daughter's perspective.
What are the odds we would all write in one way or another about a mother's love, at the same time? Ain't life funny sometimes? (-;
Wow, that is an amazing story, gave me the chills!
Glad to hear you are on the mend...things must be much better if you're writing hubs in hospital. :)
Thanks, Feline! After 36 days, I was finally released yesterday, so I am on the mend. I was starting to feel like I was in jail lol, though I must admit, I already miss being waited on. No one has even brought me my breakfast this morning lol. Either I am going to starve or I am going to have to break down and make my own cereal. Thanks for stopping by.
Connie, God has a plan for your life. I tell you, He's not finished yet. Hang in there, and listen ~ I love you girl. Your #1 fan
Thanks, KristyAnn! I'm just going to hang around here and wait to find out what it is...when I am not running to the doctor every other minute that is! LOL They must think that newly released hospital patients are ready to trot all over town at every turn, because in the 3 days that I've been home, I've been 3 times already! It sure is making me tired and I have two more appts on Mon and Tuesday! I am going to need another hospital visit just to rest lol!
What an amazing story. I do hope you are feeling better now that you are home. I can't imagine being in the hospital for that long. Looking forward to reading more of your hubs when you are up to it!
Thanks, Susan. It was an experience, that is for sure! I had some very good experiences with some great nurses and a few experiences that I still cannot believe and will write about them very soon. I am feeling much better considering that I left the hospital with thrombocytopenia ( a major blood disorder) that I didn't go in with! I developed that because of a medication that they gave me and that they give most everyone at the hospital (Heparin) knowing that it can cause this disorder.
Connie I'm so glad you didn't die!
I'm so glad you are on the mend. I cannot begin to imagine what that was like. I was taking deep breaths all the way through this one, like that was going to help!
Now I am taking a deep breath because I feel a sense of relief. I don't suffer any of these things, but I can feel FOR you. Under the circumstances, it is especially good to hear from you
Thanks Duchess. I am too, lol. I am getting stronger by the day and feel much better. I got out of the hospital on Oct. 6, but am spending a lot of time going to the various doctors, which I HATE to do with a passion. I am trying to get back into the swing of things and want to get back to writing on hubpages, which I hope happens very soon. I have got a lot to say about my hospital, the care, the new illness I got while I was there (Heparin induced thrombocytopenia) and more! I guess I just don't know where to start lol.
Still, your kind words mean a great deal to me as does your taking the time to look at my other website (and become a follower), which I basically abandoned when I started here at hubpages. I am actually getting a lot of traffic there about the particular for-profit school I wrote about, and as you might know by my profile, is one of my passions (getting the word out to people about for-profit schools, in particular Miami-Jacobs Career College, but that is just one of many that we are wasting our US taxpayer dollars on!). Sorry, I tend to run on about it when I get the chance lol. Thanks again for the kind words. I will be around more and more as I get back into the groove of things and will be by to visit a few of your hubs again.
I too have asthma and COPD so I keep many inhalers with me. I have them everywhere and carry at least two in my purse just in case one turns up faulty. It only takes seconds to die with an attack. I'm very glad you got the help you needed.
I actually used my inhaler and my nebulizer, but I was past that. At that point, they didn't work anymore. Without the dreaded intubation that opened my airway, I would be dead. I think the major thing I learned here is that a person who has asthma can not put off a visit to the doctor if they are having respiratory problems. The scary part is that there does come a time when one requires more than the inhaler or nebulizer. Thanks so much for taking a look at my article and taking the time to comment. It is greatly appreciated.
You have a lot of work to do yet, thats why you were saved. By the looks of things you have started your work already by writing about your experience and making people more aware of asthma and the need to keep inhalers near.
I was past inhalers at that particular point; there comes a time when the inhaler just doesn't do what it is supposed to do. I was at that point. Still, I do agree. All asthmatics need to keep an inhaler handy. It could save your life.
Connie, wow! I only read this now. I do hope you are ok now. Are you?
I am praying for you!
My son used to have asthma when he was in grade school. Nebulizers and inhalers used to be part of life then. Thank God he is totally free from those now.
Take care!
Thanks for stopping by, Jill. I am doing much better. I still have a few side effects from all that, but I am working hard to get healthy again. I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes that I get. Thank you so much. I am worried about much the same thing happening in the future for my 6 month old grandson, who was just in ICU with RSV and bronchialitis. He is doing better, but not cured as yet.
Amazing story. I too fear the intubation. Glad you are doing better!
Inersting, informative, captivating, wonderful story wonderfully told. Get well soon :-)
Thanks, De Greek. I was released from the hospital for this visit on October 6 of 2009. However, I just was released from a second hospital stay of 8 days. My respiratory probems are under control, but the after effects of the Heparin allergy and having to take Coumadin because of it has caused some problems. Coumadin (a blood thinner) is a dangerous drug. I bled (under my skin -- like a bruise) and had to have 4 pints of blood because of it. I didn't even know it was happening or that I was even sick. Thank God my cousins talked me into going to the hospital as I was so out of it (probably due to having such a low hemoglobin count) that I didn't even realize what day it was when I went in. That is scary stuff but I am doing much much better, thank you.
Thank you for staying alive despite your acceptance of death. Your story will inspire other asthmatics that even Acute Severe Asthma can be fought and won... Several died before they even had the chance to fight. I hope you've not had any other attack since... And am sure your daughter is grateful to God. I can't imagine what that feeling of impending doom is like. Am sure it's as scary as hell. Thanks for sharing
Thanks, Gunner. I certainly hope that others will see this and think twice about total acceptance. Had I not been worried about my daughter finding me dead, I would not have even called 911. That is how strongly I felt, from the time I woke up WITHOUT any symptoms, that I was going to die that day. I had never heard of the feeling of impending doom, so I wasn't prepared for it. I wasn't scared, I was accepting. Because of that, I went right down to the wire. I am going to say that, no matter when I called 911, I was going to have an asthma attack, but I never will know now because I waited so long. I haven't had an attack since. I quit smoking, but gained a bunch of weight (hate that part, lol!). I have felt close to an attack and, for the longest time, my inhaler was my best friend. I almost panicked if I wasn't holding it.
Wow, what a great hub this is! Very well written. I'll be looking for your updates from now on. I'm so glad that you are okay.
Thanks for reading it, Carrie. I appreciate the writing compliment, but I just went through and tightened it up. After a while, it is so much easier to see mistakes that are made and ways to improve upon the work.
I still have some residual breathing problems, but they are slowly going away. My blood is finally back to normal, at least, and I am off the blood thinners. That was a happy day.
We are all glad you are still here. Precious little Lexi definitely needs her Grandma Connie right now! Keeping your family in our prayers. Keep on writing!
Thanks, emt. When I lived, I wondered why and now I know that I was needed here for my baby girl. I appreciate your prayers. They are keeping me strong.
Amazing...yesterday was the two year anniversary of my "death." I am still here and I try to look at every day since as a blessing, since I knew that was my time. It is not always easy, but I do thank God for reconsidering.
Wow this testimony here is truly a tough one to swallow. I'm sorry to hear that you suffer from asthma, but as long as your here today to tell the tale I guess that's all that matters. I know its been 2 years since you created this hub here, I hope all is well with you.
It isn't easy to focus on hub writing even without being sick, or having some sort of illness, so I fell for you & only wish the best for your health to improve. Good luck and happy holidays, voted up for, interesting beautiful, and awesome. What a story to tell.
Thank you, Cloud Explorer. Your comments are very timely as I have been kicking around some ideas for some medical hubs. I am doing well these days, no more asthma attacks and I do not put off going to the doc when I am sick - the lesson I learned from the last time.
That was absolutely fascinating; thank you for sharing that story and for making your feelings come alive through your writing. Great hub!
Thanks, billybuc. I just found you yesterday! I appreciate you taking the time to take a look here. This was written so long ago, it feels like a different time. Still, those memories are imprinted so permanently on my brain so much I can "feel" the atmosphere of my apartment when I read this. I actually have much more clarity about certain aspects, like when I went upstairs. I now remember more of that, though in the beginning I would have sworn that I passed out just after opening the door from the basement. One of these days, I'd like to tighten this up a bit. I like to think I have improved my craft a bit since then.
Dale Mazurek Level 1 Commenter 2 years ago
As an asthma sufferer I have just had the hell scared out of me with your story. I had a friend that died from asthma just because she couldnt get to her inhaler on time. When they found her she was less than 5 feet from the inhaler.
Myself I always have about 6 inhalers so I am never far from one. One in my pocket, bedroom, bathroom, garage, truck and where ever.
I am so glad you are doing better. I hope you can get everything sorted out and come out as healthy as possible.